Sale of the century - peerages for those who can swell our coffers
Roll up, roll up! Who wants a nice piece of ermine? To you, sir, just a million quid - you can afford it sir, it's just a loan sir, but, you understand, it would be much appreciated by Tony if you'd forget you'd sent it to us. That's the idea, write it off against tax and turn it into a donation once this year's party books have been balance and audited.
No need to tell our treasurer about it, sir, he's the last person who needs to know how much cash we have in the kitty.
Think about it tomorrow? Better today, sir. We need much more dosh to fend off Cameron and his reinvigorated Tories.
And what about you madam? How much can you spare? There's honours galore on offer.
What, only 5,000 quid? I'm afraid madam that won't even get you the Imperial Service Medal! You'll treble it? Still way below the price of an MBE madam.
No need to worry about the Scottish Nationalists, madam. I know they're trying to bring politics into all this by reminding us all of The Honours (Prevention of Abuses) Act of 1925. which states that anyone who accepts, obtains or gives money in order to procure an honour can be sentenced to up to two years in prison.
But I assure you, you'd not be breking the law madam. £150,000 - that's much better, madam! I'll see what I can do.