Slice of Mellen

The Last Post

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Fri, 18 Aug 2006 17:03:00 GMT

NO, not the military tune they use at memorial services, this really is the last post.

It's my last day at the EADT today, so it's time to say goodbye. Thanks for all the posts, and please look after this fair county of ours after I'm gone.

Bring back Sixto Peralta.

That is all.

Mellen has left the building.

Damn. Left my car keys inside. Oh well.

Who will stop these people?

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Wed, 16 Aug 2006 10:23:00 GMT

BIG Brother ends this Friday, praise be, but in a sort of "Reality TV relay race" style they pass the baton on to the X-Factor on Saturday.

So, no sooner do we get rid of the sight of drama queens having fits and sulking because someone raised an eyebrow when talking to them, we get Sharon Osbourne's tantrums and Louis Walsh's opinions which aren't worth a second of the air time.

And I'm reading today that Ruth Badger (the one who came second on "The Apprentice") is to get her own TV show, handing out advice on Sky One to would-be entrepreneurs.

In turn, Michelle Dewberry, who won the race to be Alan Sugar's apprentice, is in hot water because she's apparently pregnant by Syed Ahmed - you remember him, the one everyone wanted to punch - and he, would you believe, could be back on TV because he's one of 80 celebrities hoping to win a place in a celebrity football match for Sky.

Is anyone else getting a little bit sick of these people? For the next month, as the Big Brother household is released back into society, like bear cubs being let back into the wild to cavort and play, we'll have to put up with the sight of Leah at film premieres, Mikey doing fashion shoots, and Imogen and Glyn doing the rounds on the Welsh celebrity circuit, if such a thing exists.

I cane as close as I ever have to putting my foot through the screen last week when Nikki returned to the main house on the night Imogen was evicted.

First we had Imogen's "delighted" face when she was evicted. Yes, of course you were pleased, you were on the verge of the final week when the prize is up for grabs, and the public kicked you out. Your insides must have been churning with delight.

But of course nobody can ever crumple in a tearful heap when their name is called out by Davina McCall because that would show weakness, it would show how much these people are desperate for fame, so they always say "Yeah, I knew, I knew. No, it's ok, honestly, I'm fine." It's the most glaring, transparent example of face-saving you can see on TV.

But the worst thing about Imogen's eviction was not her reaction, but that of Ashleyne, watching in a seperate room. You'd have thought the Welsh beauty was being taken out to a firing squad by the way her airhead friend fell to her knees crying "No, no, noooo!", doing a very good impression of Willem Defoe at the end of Platoon.

Then viewers were treated to the sight of Nikki almost hyperventilating with excitement as she was put back into the main house. She got there because Richard, Glyn, Pete and the others had to decide who of their former housemates could return. Cue Richard falling to his knees in tears after making the decision, as if he'd just condemmned a sackload of Andrex puppies to their deaths.

Now these people aren't to know that out in the real world the Middle East is imploding, that a group of terrorists were planning to blow up planes over the Atlantic and cause massive loss of life, and that the signs of global warming are getting starker every year, but even so, the situations they are going through (whisper this bit) aren't such a big deal.

Big Brother has come under a lot of scrutiny for putting a housemate already voted out back into the main house, and I'm sure I heard that viewing figures were falling. If it heralded the end of the show I would personally dance an Irish jig on the top of the studios.

But even if this hideous display of all that's bad about human beings dies, something else will spring up to take its place.

PS: This will be one of my last blogs as I'm leaving the EADT at the end of this week. Thanks for all the feedback

I have been made aware..

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 16:36:00 GMT

...That it's been a while since I have posted.

So, in case anyone was worried, and I'm sure not many people were, I am not dead. Nor have I been put into the Big Brother house, or asked to join Love Island.

The lack of blogs is down to three things. Firstly, a trip to the World Cup, followed by a trip to the Italian Lakes, then the fact that at this time of year, so many people take holidays that currently there are tumbleweeds blowing across the sportsdesk watched only by me, and the vulture circling overhead who is hoping I will expire.

When everyone else goes away, their work doesn't, so in the summer I need eight arms like one of those Hindu gods, and after a really busy day my brain resembles a hamster with its wheel going round so fast that it's just a blur.

So sorry again, but I really don't have anything to say. I'm just very, very overworked.

I am still here though.

A public service announcement

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Mon, 29 May 2006 08:40:00 GMT

JUST before I go on a week's holiday, I thought I'd be helpful for a change and save some of you some time and money. If you're sitting there, steaming mug of tea in one hand, cinema listings in the other, considering the possibility of handing over your hard-earned cash to see the latest Tom Cruise film: "Mission Impossible III", then please, please don't. Stay at home, or just burn the money to save time. This blog is just my opinion of course, and I' m no cinema reviewer, but I went to see this...(read more)

Today in the Diary Room...

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Wed, 24 May 2006 10:04:00 GMT

I'M feeling less than charitable today, so bear with me, things could get a bit nasty. A friend of mine revealed a theory he has to make the world a better place the other day. It basically involves lining up everyone who auditioned for Big Brother and shooting them. Along with the people in the house. I wouldn't go that far - perhaps a custard pie in the face for each one - but I see where he's coming from, the argument runs like this: If, having seen the first few series of Big Brother, you...(read more)

Big Fat Joe - glad to see him go?

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Fri, 12 May 2006 13:15:00 GMT

DON'T bother reading this if you're not an Ipswich Town fan. It's a local post for local people. I was just wondering what the consensus of opinion was about yesterday's big news. No, not that Theo Walcott's girlfriend has a tattoo (isn't that illegal? She's only 17) I mean that Joe Royle has quit Portman Road. I know people who punched the air and ran in small, delighted circles. I know other people who furrowed their brows and muttered about chickens coming home to roost, good job done on limited...(read more)

If any of you have a spare minute

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Wed, 03 May 2006 15:06:00 GMT

I see Jade Goody is in London today, signing copies of her autobiography.

There's no way I'm going to read it, or waste money on it, so can somebody please go and read a copy in the shop and answer the following questions for me please.

a.) Is the title of the book "I thought East Anglia was in Portugal, yet I somehow managed to write a book"?

b.) Is there a chapter called: "Why I didn't finish the London Marathon"?

Thanks.

It's like a bad dream

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Wed, 26 Apr 2006 16:25:00 GMT

WHAT I'm reading today cannot be right. It says that John Prescott has admitted to having an affair with his secretary.

This means that someone other than his wife found him attractive enough to break one of the Ten Commandments with. There is no picture of this woman, but I presume she wears large dark glasses and carries a white stick.

I have heard of some strange preferences in my time, but a hankering for a strange man/toad hybrid creature is something I've not come across before. Still, it takes all sorts.

That woman. Again!

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Mon, 24 Apr 2006 11:40:00 GMT

HAS anyone seen Jade Goody? Apparently she didn't finish the London Marathon yesterday. Why am I not surprised.

Organisers lost track of her (hard to do surely, even with that many people around) around the 18 mile mark. I might check out the map to see if there were any all you can eat buffets in that part of the capital.

Jade told the BBC beforehand that she got bored with training, so only did four sessions, and had been "eating curry and Chinese and drinking" in the build-up to the big race.

It's being assumed that she didn't finish the race, and therefore the NSPCC, who she was running on behalf of, may not get the money pledged.

Race director David Bedford said what a lot of people are thinking today when he said: "We recommend that everyone that takes part in the marathon trains, and to start by thinking I'm just going to walk round and not even be able to walk a marathon clearly shows she's done nothing and is not in good shape."

He also pointed out that as 90,000 people applied to run the race this year, and many could not be accomodated, for someone else to get a place then not use it is pretty selfish.

So what we have in a nutshell is a reality TV celebrity getting a bit of exposure (she was certainly able to move quite quickly when the press cameras were trained on her I notice) but not bothering to go through with something.

In a way that sums up the whole concept for me. Why be famous for actually having a talent or achieving something when you can just sit in a house for a few weeks with some other fame-hungry wannabees and get your name known for that?

And why finish a marathon when you can just tell a national charity you'll run for them, get your grinning face photographed on the start line then drop out because you're tired, and didn't train properly?

I know several people who ran the marathon this year, and I've watched over the last few months as they've put themselves through hell to get in shape, because they felt their causes were worthy.

Once she disappeared off our radars I never thought Jade Goody would make me angry again. I was wrong.

A truly awful attempt at humour

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Thu, 20 Apr 2006 15:14:00 GMT

GOOD news for you fans of perms, leather jackets and suspicious goatee beards - George Michael is going on tour again.

It will be his first gigs for 15 years, and kicks off in Madrid in late September. One thing is bothering me though.

George was recently interviewed by police over claims he collided with three parked cars in his Range Rover then drove off without telling anyone.

If it's true, it could spell disaster because you know what they say.....guilty feet have got no rhythm

Horror in the headlights

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Thu, 20 Apr 2006 14:00:00 GMT

I HAD to take a drive in the wilds last night, answering an invitation to dinner somewhere on the outskirts of Beccles, and it struck me how eerie this county of ours becomes once dark descends.

As soon as you swap A roads for B roads and head off the beaten track, you quickly find yourself in the sort of setting which sets the imagination racing.

Somewhere between Brampton and Blythburgh, as the trees seemed to crowd the road and the bushes appeared to be shuffling closer on either side, and I started doing that thing that no doubt others do too - hear hear someone narrating the plot of my own grisly death in my head.

"It was a gloomy, silent night as Steve eased his souped-up Renault Clio through the villages of north Suffolk. He could see the lights of houses ahead when suddenly his engine gave out..."

Out there, on the Norfolk/Suffolk border, everywhere looks like it belongs in the sort of film where a husband and wife go on a drive, only to suffer engine failure just alongside a forest called something like "The 'don't leave your wife in the car because we will come and eat her' woods".

The husband then gets out and says: "Well honey, it's the darndest thing, but the starter motor's died. I'll go off and get help and leave you in the car next to this forest, the name of which has temporarily escaped me."

By daylight, when the birds are getting excited by the arrival of Spring, and chattering to each other all day long, these rural landscapes are enchanting, but by night they can be a bit spooky.

I'm only answering dinner invitations that involve travelling on A-roads from now on.

What on earth is that bus for?

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 12:55:00 GMT

I SAW it again today, going past the bottom of Christchurch Park. Yesterday I saw it twice, once heading towards West End Road, and then later chugging along past Sainsburys. It was empty every single time.

I'm talking about the Ipswich tour bus. It's red, open-topped and, as far as I can, tell, the least used form of public transport in this country, and possibly in the World.

Now I was born in this dear old town, and I've lived here most of my life with a few years in Hertfordshire, Yorkshire and Nottinghamshire thrown in, but while I am very fond of the place I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to go on a tour here.

We've got some nice shops, some excellent bars and restaurants and the waterfront will look lovely once they've stopped demolishing the old buildings and building flats nobody seems to want, but there's nothing to show a tourist.

I can't imagine standing at the railway station, ready to grab the first person who looks foreign and haul them into the town centre crying: "Come see the splendour of the Tower Ramparts Shopping Centre, I'll show you where Athena used to be."

I've seen these buses in Dublin, London and other cities. In the Irish capital they drive them past Oscar Wilde's statue, the prison where they shot the leaders of the 1916 uprising and the world famous Guinness Brewery. What do they tell them in Ipswich? "And on your right is Cardinal Park, which lots of teenagers in souped-up Citroen Saxos use as an oval race track.."

It baffles me to be honest, but no doubt I'll see the bus again tomorrow. Empty, of course.

If you get time today...

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Thu, 06 Apr 2006 11:33:00 GMT

Everyone moans about their job, from the badly paid cleaner up to the executive with his company car and enormous expense account. We can all find something to wrinkle our noses at.

I'm no different. Today we're struggling to work out how to shoehorn an enormous amount of sport into the pages we have, while on other days you can look at the blank canvas of the EADT and wonder what on earth it's going to be filled with. It's what we mean when we talk about how no two days are the same.

Then you read about someone who actually does something really worthwhile, or in the case that's on my mind today, dies in the line of work.

Cameraman James Miller was shot dead by Israeli troops in the Rafa Refugee Camp in Gaza in 2003 while walking towards them carrying a white flag and identifying himself as a British journalist. To date nobody has been tried for his murder, which is not too strong a word for what happened.

We journalists come in for a lot of stick, but we also stick together, and this story appalls me. The documentary that Miller was making was aired by Channel Four, including the graphic footage of him walking to his death, the sound of the shots that killed him and so on, and it staggers me that nobody can be brought to justice for this.

Miller's inquest is taking place in London this week, thousands of miles from where his colleagues tried desperately to save his life, and it's heard that the Israelis have consistently refused permission for British police to interview witnesses and soldiers there that night.

Ironically, the fact that someone can be shot while the camera is rolling and three years later the killer is yet to be prosecuted gives an insight into the situation in Israel, and the injustices that go on there, something Miller was trying to highlight.

He shouldn't have had to die to make the point though.

If you get time today, log onto www.justice4jamesmiller.info.

It'll put your bad day at the office in context.

Big bother

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 13:29:00 GMT

I SEE Anthony Hutton, the smooth winner of Big Brother, has had his features re-arranged in a Manchester nightclub.

The police have someone in mind for the crime of punching his cherubic Geordie face, which is handy because if it was an open investigation they'd have severe problems finding a suspect.

Millions of people watched that programme. It could have been any of them.

The boat farce, I mean race

steve.mellen@eadt.co.uk — Fri, 31 Mar 2006 14:17:00 GMT

HMM, let's see who will be contesting the boat race on Sunday. Oh look, it's Oxford v Cambridge. Again.

They get to the final every year those two. It's a great testament to their rowing skills that they beat all the other universities to battle it out on the cold murky waters of the Thames, very impressive.

But before tall men called Tarquin wearing lyrca shorts come after me brandishing their oars and crying: "You scallywag, tis an historic sporting encounter and not to be trifled with." I'm not having a go at it. Well I am, it's a ludicrous thing to put on the TV, but there are ways it can be improved.

For a start, as I've already hinted, they should let the other universities in. It shouldn't be such a closed shop, and diluting the toff content of the way would drag in more neutrals.

For example, I went to the University of Hertfordshire, which was a big place for nerds, sorry, technical students. Our plucky team, had we been allowed to enter, would have spent all year desiging an incredible craft, the sort of boat that would have enough gadgets to make James Bonds palms sweat. It would have been able to fly, fire missiles into at the other team or even go under them on the way to victory.

On the other hand, a friend of mine went to Aston University, and seemed to spend his three years there drinking from dawn til dusk (he blamed it on the smog forcing him to move from bar to bar without spending too much time outside). Their team would be a bit wayward, and several of them might not turn up on time, but if you hung a can of Stella on a fishing line at the end of the boat they would give anyone a run for their money.

And lastly there's St Andrews, the favoured choice of the second in line to the throne. All they'd have to do is throw whichever Royal is on their books at the time into the team and hey presto, if they were losing come the last 200 yards then the Royal Marines would be duty bound to to riddle the other boat with bullets to ensure a princely victory.

These changes should make it far more interesting. I still wouldn't watch it though.