’Tis the season to be jolly.

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And so I bring you the 2012 Austerity Christmas Classics, a new compilation of familiar tunes reworked to reflect the times. (Price slashed from £8.99 to £3.99, also free with any purchase of tinsel.)

Please note that following legal advice Rupert, the Red-Top Owner is no longer available.

Past three o’clock

Past three o’clock on a cold and frosty morning

Past three o’clock

I’ll turn the heating down

God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen

God rest ye merry banker types

Let nothing you dismay

Your bonus won’t be compromised

It’s in your Christmas pay

Be happy you’re recession proof

Get on the piste, allez!

Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy

Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.

In the Bleak Midwinter

In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan

Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone

Snow had fallen, snow on snow; snow on snow

In the bleak midwinter, thermostat on low.

In Dulce Jubilo

In dulce jubilo, we haven’t got the euro

We prefer our currency

In pounds and pence and euro free

Not that we would want to see

The EU down the lavat’ry

Love the Costa Blanca

Love the South of France

Merry Christmas, Everybody

So here it is hairy Christmas

Hairy Christmas everyone

Look to the future now

And don’t expect much fu-u-un

I saw three ships

I saw three ships come sailing in

All from Beijing, all from Beijing

I saw three ships come sailing in

To Felixstowe in the morning

And what was in those ships all three?

Container loads, container loads

With manufactured goods to buy

For Christmas day in the morning.

Ding Dong Merrily on High

Ding dong merrily on Sky

The Christmas shows cost rental

Ding dong verily I’ll try

To stick to fundamentals


Two Ronnies and Bruce Forsyth

Walking in the air

I’m walking into work

I’m walking on untreated ice

The truck that sands the roads

Is stuck on the A12


Frosty the Snowman

Postie the postman

Had a very nasty shock

When he got too much in his Christmas box

And he wound up in the dock

(This follows the news that postmen have been warned that if they accept a Christmas box of more than £30 from any one grateful customer they could be charged with an offence under the Bribery Act)

Jingle Bells

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Melt them down to get some cash


While Shepherds Watched

When shepherds watched their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

Those were the good old days when there

Was loads of work around

The heavenly host then filled the sky

It really was a throng

Since cutbacks hit the middle ranks

It’s just four angels strong

White Christmas

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas

Just like the ones we used to know

With a small, sweet sherry

That gets nan merry

And Eric and Ernie’s Christmas Show