Lynne creates the perfect man in her own image

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This is the Mumsnet top 10 (I have modified the language in No 6).

1. Respect. Honesty. Loyalty.

2. To feel I am utterly, utterly loved.

3. Absolute equality in terms of childcare/chores/the boring stuff that goes with life and kids.

4. A sense of humour, especially when things are really dire.

5. No shouting like a toddler when life gets hard.

6. To not break wind on me in bed when I’m stroking your back.

7. Great, intimate, bonding sex. It’s not about being a great performer, it’s about making that connection with each other.

8. Pure filth in bed.

9. Someone who’ll dispose humanely of gigantic spiders.

And, of course

10. Never, no not ever, even in his subconscious thought, even consider for a nanosecond saying: ‘Well, my mother...’

Crumbs. Step forward Mr Perfect. Who is this paragon who bestrides the world like a Colossus except for a slightly dodgy back? It is reconstructed man; originally created in God’s image, now apparently reworked into a more acceptable model with underpants.

Well, there’s no harm in seeking perfection unless you actually believe it can happen. In which case, say hello to the fairies at the bottom of your garden for me.

I think, perhaps, the women who have contributed to the list have not been married as long as me and still labour under the misapprehension that men can be changed, moulded somehow into the Ideal Husband.

They can’t. And any small progress you make is likely to erode over time.

Here is my own top 10, adjusted to take into account what you are likely to get, so put up with it.

1. Respect. Honesty (except when you ask if you’re fat). Loyalty, (except when it’s between you and a football/cricket match).

2. To feel I am utterly, utterly loved although not in a creepy way.

3. Absolute equality in terms of chores even though they will not be completed to the level of my exceedingly high expectations.

4. A sense of humour except when it isn’t funny because (a) I really hurt myself or (b) because it just isn’t, all right?

5. No shouting like a middle-aged man when life gets hard. Particularly no shouting at politicians on the telly; no expletives in relation to newspaper columnists you don’t agree with.

6. To not move towards me or breathe on me when I’m in bed trying to sleep. And, incidentally, no way am I going to stroke your back.

7. Great, intimate, bonding sex... no, sorry, remind me again?

8*

9. Someone who will help me dispose humanely of gigantic spiders.

And, of course

10. Never, no not ever... even consider saying: “You’re so like my mother.”

But there is an element missing here as great relationships require a minimum of two participants. (Three or more if you happen to be those people in the house near the bypass who, according to the neighbours, have interesting parties in their back garden in the summer).

After interrogating my husband – “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition”. “Shut up and stare into the 60w energy-saving light bulb” – I can at least offer some sort of balance.

1. Respect, honesty, loyalty (as above).

2. To feel I am utterly, utterly loved (see 7 & 8).

3. Absolute equality in terms of chores although I accept you will go round after me, checking.

4. A sense of humour especially about me shouting at the telly.

5. No shouting like a middle-aged woman when I forget to put the sweetener in your tea.

6. To not snore when I’m in bed trying to sleep. This remark has been moderated and found to be inaccurate. Lynne does not snore.

7. This remark has been moderated and found to be accurate. It is consequently removed.

8.*

9. Someone who will help me dispose humanely of gigantic spiders and make sure they haven’t run back into the house before I can get in and bolt the door.

10. Never, no not ever... even consider saying: “You’re getting like your dad.”

*There are some places even this column cannot venture.