On the fifth day of Christmas...
PUBLISHED: 00:03 29 December 2018
©Archant Photographic 2008
My true love sent to me, five gold rings... and the next day, geese.
At last. The true love manages to send over something that doesn’t lay eggs, squawk or chirp.
Five go-old rings; perfect. Who doesn’t love solid gold... hang on a moment, where is the hall mark? Are these just gold coloured? No, it’s okay, they are gold. Things are looking up at last. With the prospect of a total of 40 gold rings arriving it might be worth cashing a few of them in and having a holiday.
A bit of research on the internet reveals an average gold ring for a human finger will contain around three grammes of gold. Using that as a guide, the beloved has 120g of gold worth around £2,800. A fabulous holiday for one is a definite possibility... or would that be too unkind to the true love? But then, who wants to spend a holiday with someone who clearly has some sort of weird obsession with birds.
For the first time since Day One, the recipient gets a decent sleep... apart, that is, from a bit of urgent clucking from the hens (now amounting to nine), the “chuk chuk chuk” of the partridges, and the lovey-dovey cooing of three pairs of turtle doves.
Everything stayed fine until noon on the sixth day of Christmas but then a lorry arrived with all previous gifts plus six geese and 12 eggs, three broken - six geese a-laying.
As the birds kicked up a rumpus on the porch, one producing yet another egg, the delivery driver asked for a signature.
“I don’t want these... can’t you take them back?”
“Sorry, we only do returns if you book online.”
“What if I’d been out?”
“The delivery note says to put them round the back.”
The driver sprinted back to his vehicle and took off in seconds, leaving a despondent truly-loved-one facing another full afternoon of bird husbandry. The geese, in particular, were causing a problem. One of the neighbours threatened to call the council about the incessant honking, which, they claimed was causing a statutory nuisance. As an orderly life threatened to go into free-fall it prompted an urgent text to True Love: “You are going to get me evicted unless you stop with the wildfowl.”
Text from True Love: “Simple - move in with me.”
Text to True Love: “What me and all the birds and pear trees? Please... no more birds.” Chicken emoji.