Allotment: Titchmarsh has nothing – much – on me

I HAVE read that some gardeners, on occasion, see the face of Jesus in their vegetables. I’ve just dug up a crop of potatoes that could represent the 12 disciples, Virgin Mary and the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Never before, in the annals of mis-shapen vegetables, has there been such a sight, writes Georgina Wroe

“I think Anyas are supposed to be nobbly,” I told my Co-Allotmenteer.

“But these look like more like ancient fertility symbols,” he said.

It was true, the potatoes consisted of bulbous middles, giving rise to a series of smaller spheres.

“Or me in a bikini,” I pointed out.

We decided that for tea, we’d stick to the first earlies, which are round and pink and taste delicious. For the others, I’m recommending we contact The Sun.

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On a brighter note, it turns out our enormous marrow, Dave – named after the giant vegetable growing supremo Dave Cole who gave us the seedling – is set to be a world beater.

Marrow Dave now measures a foot and a half. He sits proudly on a special polythene sheet from which I mop up any excess rainfall like drops of sweat from an Olympic athlete.

I ring Dave to report our progress.

“Blimey,” says Dave, whose giant veg is the terror of shows throughout the county. “Mine are only six inches.”

Dave Cole has fallen prey to slug damage and a week-long holiday. He assures me, grudgingly, that by September, my marrow should measure at least three feet.

“If you need any help,” I tell him, puffing up my anya-shaped chest. “Don’t be afraid to ask.”

Finally, some actually vegetable growing advice - courtesy of Andrew Tokely at Thompson & Morgan.

Andrew, like Dave, is another legend in the world of vegetables.

If your plot is looking desolate (other than a giant marrow) it’s not too late to sow: radishes (every week, until mid September), French Bean Delinel (up until the start of August) and Spinach Medania for use as baby leaves.

You can also still grow turnips (delicious eaten raw in a salad) and sow lettuce every two to three weeks until mid August.

Also now is the time to plant second cropping spuds in pots for new potatoes in time for Christmas.

Alan Titchmarsh has nothing on me (apart from award-winning TV shows, a series of best sellers and the admiration of a generation of gardeners, that is).