Forget the experts - ask a columnist!

Where do high profile sports stars and celebrities go for advice? Max Clifford, perhaps?

If something is about to go public then celebrities appear to head for their publicists, presumably because they have some cock-eyed notion it will be a story in a newspaper that will ruin their marriage rather than their own obnoxious behaviour.

Despite the damage limitation publicists can effect there are innumerable columnists lining up to shed crocodile tears for wronged wives and describe cruel and unusual forms of punishment they would like to see meted out to philandering husbands.

I admit to the irony. I could now be accused of being one of them.

In fact, I rather fancy setting myself up as agony aunt to the famous.

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In the tradition of Dear Marge, I could be Dear Flora and invite them to pen me their woes. (The following examples are inspired by recent news stories.)

Bad Boy 1

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Flo, I b bad boy. (C pic). pprs got wind of it. wf wants dvorz. what 2 do? Prem Ftbll *

Dear Premiership football star, thank you for your text message. I think I understood most of it. There was really no need to send me the picture; it takes a bit more than that to impress me.

**I understand that top footballers, like yourself, earn a great deal of money and are extremely fit young men. These two facts alone make you very desirable. I am sure women must throw themselves at you all the time and, even if you resist 999 times out of 1000, it is fairly inevitable that you might waver 0.1 per cent of the time.**

Perhaps it would have been better to sow your wild oats before committing to one woman for the rest of your life.

The truth is, you can’t trust anyone these days and unless you want the picture you sent me plastered across the front pages send �100,000 in cash by special courier.

Bad Boy 2

Flo. I b v bad boy with M8’s girlf. in all pprs. wf nos. cn u hlp? Prem Ftbll *

Of course your wife knows. Everybody knows, you silly sausage.

I suggest you take her away for a weekend; preferably somewhere romantic and try and mend your relationship. Expect the paparazzi to spent the weekend with you too.

(See ** to ** in letter above)

Good Boy

Dear Flora, please excuse this handwritten letter. It isn’t that I can’t text, it’s just that I like to use the English language in its full glory. I hope you can help me as I have done something unforgivable. I went on to an intellectually demanding TV game show and won. I have been told this is not how a premiership star should behave, please help. Yours sincerely...

You’re right. This is not the sort of behaviour we have come to expect of top class footballers. You’ll be telling me next that you have never been subjected to an expos� in a tabloid newspaper.

Pull yourself together, man.

I suppose you are one of those GCSE-laden footballers who maintain Shakespeare was a playwright and never played centre half for Stratford Town FC in the Fifties?


Thanks also to the TV presenter who attempted to get in touch but had his mobile phone confiscated by his wife halfway through the text.

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