No storm trooper mask this year, please

So it’s Christmas soon isn’t it? I assume this because not only are there a lot of people shopping, lights and smiling children but my knee hurts. So it’s either Christmas or Pancake Day.

Many people think I would be a bit miserable about Christmas. That I probably complain about the commercialism, the fact everything happens too early and I wake up on Christmas Day with a hangover smothered in Scroogivity.

Well no, actually. I like Christmas. I get presents and it’s one of the few times of the year when it is acceptable to drink at nine o’clock in the morning. That is pretty much it though. When I say presents I mean useful, exciting things that I want. For some reason unbeknownst to me, my friends and family think I’d enjoy novelty presents.

These are the presents people buy me because they think I will find them funny but are ultimately useless and take up room in the flat. A storm trooper mask is a nice idea, but it takes up space and it isn’t as big a hit with the ladies as you would imagine. If anything it puts them off.

One year my mother brought me a little plastic fruit machine. It came with coins, made noises and it worked like the real thing.


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Once it had gone round, if you won, it spat out the plastic coins so you could play again. However, after the frivolity of Christmas was over I realised I had nowhere to put the thing, no intention of using it again and a serious gambling problem. Since then the novelty of novelty gifts has worn off.

With this in mind, I have conducted a list of items that I would actually like for Christmas. Feel free to buy any of them for me.

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Some beer. – Yes I would like some beer. Any type of beer is fine.

Crisps – I love crisps.

World Peace – Yes world peace, I know I’m such a nice guy aren’t I! However I should point out that world peace is probably financially unviable and there would be an awful lot of administration involved. So failing this a Playstation 3 will suffice, but make your own mind up.

Novelty socks – I like getting novelty socks from people because then I know who to punch next time I see them.

�10,000 – Just throwing that out there. See what happens.

�10 – Just in case I’m over-reaching.

Nothing that involves a gift to a charity of my choice – Let’s nip this in the bud right now. That isn’t a present. It’s a lovely thing to do and feel free to do it for other people who don’t want anything good. However, I want something I can open and use.

Nothing that involves adopting an animal in another country – Same reason as above. Also, if I’ve adopted a goat I want it to come round and stay for a bit. My shredder is broken.

A new shredder.

Some myrrh – I think they sell it in petrol stations.

Nothing that has been bought for me on the flimsy premise that it’s something you like. – We probably don’t have the same tastes or interests. If we did have the same tastes and interests you would be incredibly dull and aloof, so I wouldn’t like you.

A ban on people saying “I don’t know” when you ask them what they want for Christmas. – If you didn’t want a comb and some Lockets, you should’ve told me what you did want… darling.

People to stop showing me scans of their unborn babies – I can’t see it! I can’t see your baby in that picture. It looks like a potato in a dirty river. Wait until it’s out and then I will judge it and probably ignore it.

Kylie Minogue – Again, just throwing that out there. See what happens.

Danni Minogue – Again, just in case I’m over reaching.

An iPad – So I can break it and throw it in the bin in front of children, Merry Christmas.

Peace on Earth, good will to all men – Or some slippers.

I would like to say that I enjoy Christmas for all the right reasons. Family, chestnuts on an open Jack Frost and endless repeats of the Snowman. But I don’t.

I enjoy presents but only the ones that I pick. I don’t have room in the flat for another over sized space hopper or novelty ashtray.

Plenty of room for beer or �10,000 though because I currently don’t have either of those.

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