We need to rid the world of superheroes

I don’t know much about comics, or graphic novels as adults who read comics like to call them, but as far as I know they gave us the superhero.

Almost no one in this country has a super power because America seems to have produced most them. Superman, Spiderman, Aquaman, whose powers seem to be more of a hindrance than anything else.

In the sea he has control of huge creatures, struggling with their poetic deep water conflict ballet, in the furthest reaches of the Ocean. On land he would be flummoxed by an apathetic kitten.

Most people when they are asked to choose a super power tend to go for flight or invisibility. Now, I’m not saying that I’m a superhero – that is for other people to decide. (Whilst you are deciding this, bear in mind I spent three hours yesterday trying to work out what the funny smell was in my flat and it turned out to be me.)

But if I had the ability to fly or be invisible I wouldn’t waste my time fighting crime. I would be flying around the world and, perhaps immorally but understandably, hanging around Britney Spears without her knowing.

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The life of a superhero in the 21st century would be tough. It is unlikely they would withstand the scrutiny of rolling news and an increasingly pessimistic British public.

Initially it would be great and we might even achieve the often lauded, administrative nightmare and deeply inflationary ideal that is World Peace. Eventually though, we would grow pretty tired of them.

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Iron Man would be sued for not saving someone in the correct way, by one of those companies that aggressively tell us if we don’t extort money from people to cover our own stupidity, Al Qaeda has won.

Technically a superhero isn’t a proper job so middle class Londonites would want to know what contribution Daredevil is making to the economy and who pays to remove his rubbish.

Superman would definitely be a hazard to planes and we’d demand he was grounded and Spiderman would leave little bits of web all over the place. It’s bad enough when you walk across the road and amazingly a web finds its way into your face. If it was the size of Spiderman’s it would leave a mark even the most liberal of dry cleaners would have to question.

They would all be brought down very quickly after we’d built them up and it will only be a matter of time before Captain Planet married Jordan, then he’d be no good for anything except mowing the lawn and shutting up.

Eventually they will get divorced and he would become inexplicably popular despite having the same catalogue of mediocre powers he had before. Super Ted would need a fly on the wall documentary to mend the damage done to his career after grainy mobile phone footage ended up online of him and Spotty in bed, and Mighty Mouse would fall out of a limousine covered in cocaine and failed best laid plans.

We would build them up, realise they aren’t that great, then knock them down.

Of course the world is enormous. I don’t know how big. I counted 14 paces and it was definitely more than that, so Superman and his caped crusading chums (or “bloody do-gooders” as we’d start calling them) would just be overwhelmed by the Herculean task ahead.

There are the many wars we’re fighting, diseases we need to cure and poverty to put an end to. Then there are the little crimes that need to be stopped like muggings, identity theft, or Peaches Geldof.

In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if some superheroes had turned up, realised it wasn’t worth the effort, and nipped off to make sure the Clangers are OK.

If they did stay, we would have to ensure they were given an appropriate criminal act to prevent. During nuclear war I would prefer Superman arrived instead of Bananaman.

We should save Superman and Spidey for the really big disasters and all the kittens stuck in trees can be rescued by Batman, whilst Robin tries to sell DVD’s of their best moments from the back of his van to an indifferent crowd.

Frankly, if a superhero does decide to come by, we should do them all a favour and get rid of them. Hurl some kryptonite at Superman, throw salt over Aquaman and give Ben 10 a nut allergy.

They would cost too much, never be able to survive the scrutiny of rolling news and we would get bored of them. It’s entirely for their own good.

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