When a change of life is as good as a rest, ooh-arr

If by some oversight, you forgot it was World Menopause Day on October 18, you can come round my house any time.

There, every day is menopause day.

I suppose it was naive of me to imagine there couldn’t possibly be such a day. After all, there is an annual Talk Like a Pirate Day (shiver me timbers, missed that one too, lubbers).

And, according to probably reliable online sources, we have also failed to celebrate 2012’s Embrace Your Geekiness Day, Take Your Houseplant for a Walk Day, Hobbit Day, and Penguin Awareness Day. But I do not despair, there is still time to make plans for World Kindness Day in November.

While, I am told, some women sail through menopause with nary a symptom, others can experience one or all of a range of exciting meno-manifestations. Here are some of the events we might have been enthusiastic about on World Menopause Day, had we been able to summon the slightest interest.

Share a hot flush

A day when all caring employers are encouraged to rack up the central heating thermostat to maximum (if they even turn it on before the first frost) so that all their workers can participate in a hot flush, rip off their outer garments and commune with any suffering female colleagues.

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Panic attack flash mob

Hundreds of menopausal women turn up at a pre-arranged destination (high street store; coffee shop; bring and buy sale) and take part in a mass panic. This could take the form of “Where have I put my purse?”; “I know I’ve got the car park ticket somewhere”; and “I can’t remember the name of the woman approaching me who I have known for 20 years” and other frantic musings.

Red wine allergy: toleration event

You haven’t been able to enjoy a glass or two of the ruby nectar for ages because it sets off the night sweats and hot flushes. This is a concerted attempt by the menopausal women of the world to drink their way through their Beaujolais intolerance in order to rediscover the best way to get through double-length editions of TV soaps without the onset of remote control fury.

Changing your mind at the last moment event

A Grand Ball is arranged for World Menopause Day in London but you don’t go for one or more of the following reasons:

n You haven’t got anything to wear because the dress you bought specially for the occasion looks terrible; you hate it and you don’t know why your husband said it looks nice when you clearly look like Frankenstein’s Monster’s uglier sister.

n You put on your favourite cocktail/evening dress but decide it makes you look fat. You said you should have bought a new frock (see previous reason).

n No-one you like is going – not counting (though sometimes counting) your husband/partner.

n There won’t be anyone there you know (not counting your husband/partner) and there’s no point in meeting anyone new because you won’t be able to remember who they are 10 minutes later.

n You don’t want to miss Flog It!

n What’s the point in going to a ball when you can’t have a drink (see red wine allergy above) and anyway you can’t dance to the sort of music they play at these dos nowadays.

n There will be an all-night queue at the Ladies.

Have a Go event (sponsored by Husbands and Partners Menopause Support Association)

This event is designed to ease the frustration building up inside you about everyday irritations. Instead of waiting till you’re home and taking it out on your co-habitee(s), take action now. For example, if the apparently unattended roadworks in town are really starting to get to you, park your car behind the line of cones (where some people are already parked) and leave a stiff note attached to their fence: “Sir, nothing seems to be happening and this hole has been in the road for more than two months. I hope you will look into it.”

Be creative with insomnia

If you have a tendency to drop off to sleep then wake up a couple of hours later and spend the rest of the night awake and anxious, why not pack an insomnia bag comprising a flask of decaf coffee, a packet of Maltesers, a torch, a notepad and pencil. This could be the night when you get the inspiration for your novel. Yes, you may need to pop to the loo once or twice but just think; you could be the next JK Rowling or EL James. Failing that, why not talk like a pirate.

Avast behind!

Thank you, I knew that.

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