Ipswich-bound TV comedian Lee Nelson promises qwaliteeeeeee night out
Qwaliteeeeeee London legend Lee Nelson talks Olympics, marriage, fatherhood and fame with Star Event’s EMMA COX
“It’s well exciting, although the organisers have been stupid building some of the venues now,” says Nelson as talk turns to the 2012 Olympics.
“Do they not realise what happens if you leave a building empty in East London for 12 months? By the time of the opening ceremony the Velodrome’s going to be a burnt out crack den.
“Me and the boys have got tickets to the birds’ beach volleyball. We’re in row A and we’re still bringing some binoculars.”
He landed his hit BBC3 programme, Lee Nelson’s Well Good Show, after sending the BBC clips of him and best mate Omelette messing about.
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“Like one where I broke in to Omelette’s flat at three in the morning, cling-filmed him to his bed and shoved an entire box of crunchy nut cornflakes in his gob. It’s funny coz he’s got a nut allergy.”
For those who haven’t seen the show, Nelson describes it as a “well mental proper funny half hour for the whole family. Jokes, games, banter, my Nan rapping and my best mate Omelette eating”.
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He’s bringing Omelette - who he’s known since he was an egg - with him on the live tour, which comes to the Ipswich Regent next Wednesday.
Is that his mate’s real name?
“Of course that’s his real name. When he was christened they dipped him in milk, salt and pepper.”
Nelson can’t wait for the Shepherd’s Bush Empire, London, gig.
“London’s got the best of everything. Best nightlife, best bars, best clubs. Even our transport’s the best - London must have the greatest rail replacement bus service in the world. The worst thing is the crime which, to be fair, I ain’t helping with.”
North Londoners, he says though, are the grumpiest fans, “They’re always so unhappy when I nick their phone.”
Meeting his proper brilliant fans is the best thing about being on tour. So what’s the worst?
“I miss my little boy. When I’m on tour without him I’ve got to buy my own ciggies.”
Does he think he’s a good day to Stairwell, named in Posh and Becks style after where he was conceived.
“The best. Just ask social services.”
Fatherhood has totally changed his life.
“I can’t just leave my little boy at home, go clubbing, bosh some pills, bang a bird, come back to the flat two days later. These days I’m a dad; I got to take him with!”
He’s protective of his 13-year-old sister, too.
“I wish she’d be more protective of herself. She’s four-months pregnant.”
The ladies man, who puts the secret of his success down to Sambuca, refuses to rate his prowess, “I’ll leave that to YouTube viewers,” he says.
With chat-up lines including “You’re the best-looking girl I’ve ever seen... in your category” has he ever pulled a girl from the audience of a tour or his TV show?
“Yes, but I’m engaged so it’s never more than a one-night stand.”
He and fianc�e amber - 36F-24-34 - met in a club.
“I still remember seeing her for the first time thinking oh my gosh... you’ll do. I said ‘is your name Laura L coz you’re worth it’.”
He proposed by laying a dozen roses on her bed. Apparently she loves the caramel ones. Revealing his soft side, Nelson even cooked her a meal for their anniversary.
“She loved it. Although I’ll let you in to a little secret, I never cooked it, I bought it! She didn’t have a clue though and just sat in the back of the car eating her nuggets.”
Amber must get angry when he flirts with girls in his audience?
“Not at all coz I’m just talking to them innit. She don’t like me sleeping with them afterwards so I never tell her about that.”
Nelson’s used to being in trouble, getting expelled from school lots and lots.
“I hated school, they were the worst three days of my life,” he says.
“I can’t remember which lesson was my favourite, the one with the fit French teacher. I was kicked out my last school for slashing the headmaster’s tyres. He was stuck in his wheelchair for 20 minutes!”
His speeding has landed in bother with the law too.
“I just had to go on one of them speed awareness courses. I wonder if anyone can beat my record of South London to the speed awareness course in Milton Keynes in 23 minutes? I’ve done 136mph in a car park. B&Q to World of Leather in under four seconds.”
Nelson says being famous is brilliant; the boys give him a fist bump and the girls give him a snog. The only down side is getting papped all the time when he sometimes just wants to be left alone.
“Like last week, I was minding my own business doing 60 in a 30 and the flashes go off.”
TV viewers might recognise Nelson from Let’s Dance for Comic Relief, where he danced with Omelette. Were they gutted not to win?
“No, we was just proud to take part in a charity event that raised millions for Africa. Only joking, we were massively gutted.”
I have to ask, why choose the song Club Tropicana?
“It was Omelette’s choice. He loves their orange juice,” says Nelson.
Back to the tour, have any of his audience members taken offence at him taking the mick?
“Nah, the audience love it. I talk to them, they talk to me. I take the mick out of them, they take the mick out of me. That way at the end of the show, someone gets bottled.”