Ole! I’ve won el Lotto, says the good doctor

Hurrah! I’ve won the Spanish lottery. I know this because I got an email yesterday from the Spanish Lotteries commercial director, who is a doctor, telling me I’d won.

There are two amazing things about this. Firstly nothing lucky ever happens to me. Some people say if it wasn’t for bad luck, they wouldn’t have no luck at all.

I tend to say if it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have anything to do all day. The second amazing thing is, I didn’t actually enter the Spanish lottery.

I’ve never entered the Spanish lottery. I’ve never even been to Spain and yet here I am the official winner of their lottery. It’s almost too good to be true.

Not only have I won the Spanish lottery, I’ve also been offered some excellent discounts on pharmaceutical drugs and my bank account in Jersey had a security breach, so I need to re-send my details to them.

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Although I don’t actually remember opening a bank account in Jersey and I’m quite surprised to know I’ve got enough money to warrant two bank accounts. I didn’t think I had enough money to warrant a desperate mugging.

But I do silly things when I’ve been drinking. I buy DVD box sets and too much Chinese takeaway and I suppose it’s possible I jumped on a plane and flew to Jersey to open the bank account with whatever money I had on me at the time.

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Some people like to play bowling on the Nintendo Wii when they are drunk. Obviously I like to sort out my finances.

Luckily, now I’ve won the Spanish lottery, I do have enough money to warrant two bank accounts so it’s all tied in quite nicely.

I emailed the doctor back to claim my one million Euros. I didn’t give him all the information he wanted because, even though I’d forgotten I’d entered the Spanish lottery and opened a bank account in the Channel Islands, I’m not stupid.

He replied and said he needed my bank account details in order to make the bank transfer. I replied smugly asking him which bank account because now I’ve got two. He replied saying the UK bank account because the one I’m supposed to have in Jersey sounds like an internet scam.

The emails went back and forth for about a day. I asked him if he could just send me a cheque and he said he would send me a cheque if I send him my bank account details.

I replied that surely if I gave him my bank account details it would negate the need for a cheque. He emailed back saying yes it would negate the need but it would mean there is a backup plan if the cheque didn’t work.

Obviously I enquired as to why the cheque wouldn’t work and he explained that these things happen sometimes. Now to be honest that made perfect sense to me. Sometimes things do happen.

Whilst the negotiations to claim the prize that is rightfully mine were going on, I’d actually got hold of the Spanish lottery by the phone to ensure that I don’t get any publicity.

I am quite shy and I don’t to share my winnings with my family or friends. The phone call to the lottery people wasn’t as well received as I’d hoped. They had the audacity to claim that I hadn’t actually won the Spanish Lottery.

I explained that their very own commercial director who is a doctor had sent me a personal email telling me I’d won. I confidently stated this email should surely be enough proof if proof where ever needed. Apart from an actual ticket.

But to me, this was a trifle detail. I had an email from a doctor telling me I had won the Spanish lottery and they had to hand that money over. They refused.

My suspicions aroused, I sent another email to the Spanish doctor, asking him outright if I’d actually won the Spanish lottery. He said “Didn’t you read the original email?” which was enough for me.

I sent him my bank details, my address, my national insurance number and a photo. The very next day I had no money in my bank account and a bill for a Versace suit on my credit card.

What was amazing about this is that I didn’t buy a Versace suit or take all my money out of my bank account. Perhaps the Spanish lottery is a bit different to ours.

Never mind, I do have another bank account in Jersey now. I just need to email them the bank details from my UK account and they will unlock it for me. Fingers crossed I actually put money in there.

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