On the big screen soon - The Coalition!

“The Coalition!” That is how our government is known. I was watching BBC News24 and it just came out. “The Coalition!” Sounds great doesn’t it? Like a really good cop film.

Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone are “The Coalition!” coming to clean up the country with stubble, guns, muscles, vests and more vests. Brilliant!

Oh no, wait, its two little boys in ties - ah look, one of them has dimples. Bless him.

I used to have political opinions when I was at school, but then I gave them up so I could concentrate on smoking.

Since then I haven’t had many. Immigration? I don’t know. Economy? Bad is it? I have no idea. The Euro? Oh look, a squirrel. I’m not na�ve about politics, it is around us 24/7. There is nothing we do that isn’t political, from voting to showing an interest in a friend’s new baby because you might want to borrow their hedge trimmer.

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But wouldn’t it be nice to have leaders in this country that don’t look like their mum got them ready in the morning?

They must have people who tell them what they look like before they go on television. Some highly-paid PR guy who explains that the Bruce Willis look is out and the voters want the scared, confused puppy vibe; so flatten your hair, put on that suit that looks like all the other suits and just appear to be a bit useless in front of Adrian Chiles. Perfect!

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Obviously they aren’t auditioning for Baywatch but I’m now so disillusioned with policy that I’ve started to pay attention to how they look instead.

If there was an election between David Cameron and Girls Aloud, it would take a little while for me to decide who gets the number ten keys but only because I was deciding on which member of Girls Aloud to vote for.

Whatever you thought of Tony Blair, and I had quite a few but then I read his book and realised he’s illiterate, so bless him for trying, at least your mum fancied him.

He could hide decisions and policy behind a lovely smile and adorable eyes. Who knows what you would do with David Cameron if you took him to bed. Read him a story probably.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California – (that is a genuine sentence from the English language there. Amazing isn’t it?) because California was probably tired of the schoolboyish dishcloth look and wanted a hero. David Cameron should go up against Schwarzenegger in a vote.

Then they should pull a bus with their teeth. I’m so far past caring about policy I now just want to see two men pull a bus with their teeth. The winner gets the job and loser gets to be deputy.

To be fair the other guy in “The Coalition!” does look less like a little boy. (I forget his name; is it Jenny or something?) Then an adorable, cuddly Milliband thing turns up who looks less like the super villain swearing vengeance against “The Coalition!” and more like the person who administers their milk.

I’m not sure how well the government is doing because I’m still concentrating on smoking. I just haven’t got it quite right; as soon as I do I will stop.

But I bet behind the doors of Westminster, amid the history and great political weight we have the best World of WarCraft players in the universe.

It feels like we ordered the A-Team and instead of four great vigilantes in a van a couple of boy scouts turned up in a pedal go-kart with a poorly-drawn red stripe on the side. Which is a shame because the A-Team are really hard to find and it’s difficult to get one of them on a plane in the first place.

Running the country is probably a hard job and no member of the cabinet has to look like Ben Affleck. But they could look a little less useless when they are on television. Maybe then I would listen to them. Perhaps that’s the real trick.

If they didn’t look so useless people would start listening to what they are saying and that might be a bad idea right now.

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