Ready-made carrot batons? They’re on the list

Well, everything in this bucket can go whistle.... Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Well, everything in this bucket can go whistle.... Picture: Getty Images/iStockphoto - Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Bucket lists - 100 things to do before you die? Forget it, I’m listing the stuff I never want to do and the things I can really do without. So there.

I read a newspaper feature a while ago that suggested that there comes a time when, rather than a bucket list, you have earned the right to have a no-way-in-my-bucket list.

This is very appealing.

Listing things you want to do (before you die) is just a bit depressing... especially if you reach for the stars but can only afford a Mars Bar.

The problem is, knowing how to stop - there are just so many things to put in it... beginning with:

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Everyone who bangs on about Brexit. I have tried hard not to become agitated by it, employing measures such as deep breathing, transcendental meditation, applying to join a three-year Antarctic expedition, gin etc but I can’t seem to quite shut it out.

All-inclusive holidays. As a non-drinker (except when attempting to cast out thoughts of Brexit see above) I feel I would not be able to take best advantage of such a package and worry that I would be psychologically unprepared for uninhibited evenings in the ballroom.

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Self check-outs that shout at you. The last thing I need when working for a supermarket (which is effectively what you’re doing when you check out your own shopping) is a disembodied voice asking me, loudly, if I have a Nectar card or a Sparks card.

Prepared carrot batons. My preferred option is buying whole carrots, peeling them and cutting them into batons. Skinny jeans: No good if you have fat knees.

Social media pictures of people’s dinners: Why?

Environmental guilt: I have a petrol car, no bicycle, gas central heating, no solar panels and eat meat sometimes. Am I a bad person?

Climbing Kilimanjaro: I find the stairs sufficiently challenging.

Abseiling the Shard: It was quite high enough on the inside, thank you.

Influencers: These are individuals with the power to affect the purchase decisions of others because of his/her authority, knowledge, position or relationship with his/her audience. Most often, they are on social media and extremely tiresome.

Politically correct nursery rhyme re-writes: In 2009, the BBC was accused of pandering to political correctness when it gave Humpty Dumpty a makeover, changing the last line to: “All the King’s horses and all the King’s men made Humpty Dumpty happy again.” In the original, you will recall, they couldn’t put the shattered Humpty together again. I am not against political correctness except when it’s just silly - as in this case.

n I tend not to lavish praise on to my children and their partners even though I am ridiculously proud of them all but I am waiving that for one week to tell you about my daughter-in-law Cait.

Last week, Cait, actor, teacher and mother of three boys, added marathon runner to her list of achievements as she and two of her teaching colleagues ran the London Marathon in memory of teenager Addie, one of their students, who died last year.

This is Cait’s story, as she told it on her Just Giving page, last October. The page was set up to raise money for CLIC the cancer charity for children and young adults.

“I had my third baby seven months ago and am not what you would describe as a ‘runner’....or even a ‘mover’. I... am much more at home with a large pizza and a glass of wine. But I figured, no one is going to sponsor me to do something easy, or even something I enjoy. I hate running - hence me signing up for the London Marathon!

Addie was such a special girl and, as a member of my GCSE Drama class, things were never dull. She would probably find my overweight little legs puffing up a hill hilarious, but I’m doing this for her. And for all the children who like her, refuse to give up. I wish Addie could be there at the end waiting for me with a cup of tea.”

Caitlin and her colleagues completed the marathon (no records broken) and between them have raised £10,325 (at time of writing), and, I’m guessing, a blister or two.

n Last week’s column in which I related the tale of going knickerless to have my painful hip X-Rayed at the hospital caused the Harleston Wives group to ask if I had my pants on when I joined them last Tuesday evening. Naturally, I told them I did have my pants on... but I lied!

Many thanks to Robert Rusack who emailed to say he was recently given a new hip at Ipswich hospital and “it all went very well. I am now walking without a stick and allowed to drive. My advice is do it sooner rather than later and try and get as fit as possible before to help with your recovery.”

I would be grateful if no one made a link with me keeping fit and marathon running.

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