You talking to me...?

When Adam and Eve ate that apple from the tree of knowledge in the Garden of Eden, I’m guessing they at no time received a communication suggesting a cheaper option... I suppose, if they had, we might still be romping around naked.

The online supermarket I habitually use often suggests a cost-saving alternative to something I’ve bought, but this week they came up with a whole new approach. I had ordered a couple of small lemon and lime desserts that were on offer. When I checked out, I was offered the same product in a different flavour - not because it was cheaper but because it had 100 fewer calories.

Do they have access to the dark secret of my BMI or is this new weight-watching advice given to everyone? Whatever the reason, I would just like to say: “Stop it! Stop it, now.”

We are a nation beset by helpful advice. It is too much information.

Yes, I should not eat too much salt, fat and carbohydrate but don’t tell me what risks I am running. I have tried making sandwiches without butter but the filling drops out. I know I need to lose weight, take more exercise, drink more water, improve my core strength and eat less red meat. Next thing you know, there will be government-run food awareness courses. Three official adipose warnings and you have to show up for a three-hour session with a fit and lean person in Lycra who will chide you about your lifestyle choices while assuming the lotus position on their desk. You will be shown pictures of happy, overweight people in restaurants and asked to spot the dietary errors... all of which will be the most delectable things on the plates. You will not be shown pictures of miserable people eating quinoa and raw broccoli and asked to spot something delicious.

I suppose there are people who haven’t a clue about what they should and shouldn’t eat but I can’t claim ignorance, simply bloody-mindedness. The more you tell me it’s bad for me, the more I need chocolate. Maybe I’m in denial or maybe I just don’t like being told what to do.

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