Who’s in charge? Um...let’s think

I have here a highly-confidential memo leaked from Westminster at the weekend by an anxious political establishment trying to assemble a credible new Government. Here it is, in full.

To all MPs

Congratulations! You have been chosen from only a few thousand people in the whole of the UK to go forward to the next round of this exciting contest.

As the duly elected MP for the constituency of (insert name), you are now in a unique position to affect the workings of Government even though your party may only have a tiny representation in the House of Commons.

We have been asked to canvas the views of all members to ascertain their position in of non-party prescriptive terms. We feel that the results of this survey will help to bring together a strong Government of like-minded people, irrespective of their allegiances; a coalition which will transcend traditional politics.

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Please complete the following and answer all questions.

1. Who should win Over the Rainbow?

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(a) Steph; (b) Lauren; (c) Judy Garland; (d) What is Over the Rainbow?

2. Should Richard carry on without Judy?

(a) Yes; (b) no; (c) do you mean Mr Punch? (d) every man needs a good woman

3. Who is your favourite Britain’s Got Talent judge

(a) Simon Cowell; (b) Piers Morgan; (c) Amanda Holden; (d) what is Britain’s Got Talent?

4. What colour is your underwear today?

(a) White; (b) black; (c) patterned; (d) haven’t looked

5. Best pizza topping?

(a) Cheese and tomato; (b) Hawaiian; (c) anchovy and mushroom; (d) give me a cheese and piccalilli sandwich – none of that foreign muck

6. Best ever present?

(a) Monopoly board game; (b) Lord of the Rings trilogy special edition dvd; (c) a rabbit; (d) Inscribed fountain pen

7. How did you celebrate your election success?

(a) With a beer and a packet of crisps; (a) put deposit down on second home; (c) went clubbing; (d) cup of tea and two chocolate digestives.

8. What would be your perfect Government job?

(a) Prime Minister (b) Chancellor of the Exchequer (c) anything with animals (d) Leader of the House of Lords.

9. How will you be travelling to and from your constituency?

(a) Train; (b) car; (c) taxi; (d) I won’t be going there.

10. Do you have any friends who do not agree with your political views?

(a) Not really; (b) several (c) nearly all of them (d) I have no friends.

Thank you for your time. The MPs giving the most popular of the four responses (mostly ‘a’s, ‘b’s, ‘c’s or ‘d’s) will go through to the next round when all remaining members will be required to sing a number from a Lloyd Webber musical.

(Okay, I own up – it’s not true).

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